Flabbergasted

I haven’t written a blog post in a few years… Every once in awhile I’ll get a wacko e-mail but this next guy has brought me out of retirement. I was throughly creeped out and had the heebie jeebies for hours after I read the last e-mail from him.

gvFrvBk

Subject: Hi there

Hey Linds,

I was lucky enough to have your profile delivered to my electronic doorstep tonight. And just in the nick of time! I’ve been getting more and more discouraged by the fact that out of sooooooo many choices here on Match, there just don’t seem to be many at all that interest me. You, however, do interest me. I could be completely off the mark here, but your profile suggests to me that you are a kind and humble and gentle person. But you’re also fun and have your shit together. I would describe myself the same way.

I’m not from around here. I’m a Jersey transplant living in Lawrence, KS. I moved here two years ago to take a job at KU – I’m a linguistics professor. I’m also vegan (not a pius/preachy one, though), into health and fitness, collecting records, experimental electronic (and non-electronic) music, traveling to exotic places, cooking, yadda yadda yadda. I also happen to think we might get along very well given who I know myself to be and who I imagine you to be. If you think so too, drop me a line and we’ll go from there. If not, have a great life and keep smiling (yours is a wonderful and disarming one)!

So, like normal, I visit his profile … even though his e-mail doesn’t really grab me. I decided not to e-mail him back and assumed with the “If not, have a great life” comment that would be the end of it. But of course some things are not that simple. 2 days later I received this:

Subject: Hi again

Hey,

I just wanted to write you one more time to say that I hope you’re not put off by my diet or view on religion. I’m really open-minded, respectful of people’s differing beliefs, and above all things, nonjudgmental. So, if any of those things were red flags for you, I hope you won’t hold them against me.

Not to stroke your ego, but I wouldn’t be writing back if I weren’t really interested in you. You’re kind of a big fish in here… at least to me.

Hope to hear from you, but I’ll understand if I don’t.

fish

 

Again, I’m not interested and I move on with my “great life” aka I did not e-mail him back. Well 2 weeks later I receive one more to put the cherry on top…

Subject: One last try

Ok, so I’ve written you twice now and gotten no response and yes, common sense dictates that you’re not interested and I shouldn’t bother trying anymore, but…

I’m really drawn to you. And you did say that you find ambition and drive incredibly attractive. :)

I search Match everyday. And each day, I make my searches a little less restrictive. The search radius expands. More profiles get clicked. The pool of matches grows from 50 to 150 to 350 women. You get the picture. But as the possibilities grow in a literal sense, the reality is that you are the only girl on here I find myself truly attracted to. There’s something in the way you tilt your head in a picture. There’s something in the width of your smile. There’s something in the glisten in your eyes that says to me you are a beautiful, humble and gentle person inside. I don’t know how else to describe it other than to say that I feel attracted to you from the inside out. “Attracted” might even be putting it mildly. It might be more accurate to say that I’m “flabbergasted” by you.

 

16

I hope you’re not creeped out or irritated by all my efforts to reach out to you. Just to play it safe and in the chance that you are, this will be the last time I write to you. I just wanted you to know how serious my interest is and how wonderful I think you seem.

Take care

 

A) You have never met me and are not allowed to build me up in your head the way you did.

B) The fact that you say “I hope you’re not creeped out” should be the biggest red flag not to send me this message.

and C) Thank God this guy does not know where I live!

 

creeped out

The -Original- Repeat Offender

Men who send the copy and pasted e-mail multiple times irk me to no end, but every once in a while there will be an original second e-mail. This original has to really catch my attention for me to respond, and there have been a few that have done this. However, some go on like they either never sent the first e-mail, like I responded to the first e-mail or have to comment on the fact that they didn’t get an e-mail back.

The Chopping Block

From: 8_GFT_8

Subject: hi you

Hope your having a great week…

Came across your profile which was very attractive btw…Have you taken any vacations recently this year?

Do you ever go to Royals games?

On a personal note, I travel to KC 2-3 times per month for business and personal fun.

Tell me more about yourself…Jeff

2 days later…

From: 8_GFT_8

Subject: uh-oh

Looks likes I got cut from the team!..lol

4039-9356

I’m not looking for a long distance relationship or a booty call every time you’re in town. So yes, you were “cut from the team.” Please, just take it like a man.

How to Get Your Attention?

From:WterSkerPro

Subject: Had to say hello

Amazing smile! I had to say hello. I am a goofball who is always up for an adventure….you game?

2 Days later…

From: WterSkerPro

Subject: Lots of humor…

Lot’s of humor sprinkled with smarts, adventure and personality. Not curious at all??

candy-colors-crazzzy-girl-sprinkles-Favim.com-44388

1 week later….

From: WterSkerPro

Subject: Hmmm… How to get your attention.

Hmmm… How to get your attention.

Stop_Trying

Well you obviously haven’t gotten it the way you’ve been trying. So just stop.

The Jokester

From: Kendon81

Subject: Random joke for the day

Random joke for the day — What’s the hardest part about being a roller bladder???

—-

Telling your parents that you’re gay! ;)

1 day later…

From: Kendon81

Subject: Can you handle me

Think you can handle a Vin Diesel look alike with the smarts of Einstein and the wit of Russel Brand aka me! ?;)

First of all, I did not appreciate the joke. I have a lot of people in my life that are gay and this joke is offensive. Secondly, Vin is not really my type.

Oh, these girls ….

Like always there are people who post pictures that make you go “huh??” These girls chose photos that show off their bodies and boobs. Sometimes not in a good way. Clearly these women are not looking for a lasting relationship and are looking more for a booty call/friend with benefits. At least that is what their profile pictures say. Have a look.

workin

selfie

selfie:profile pic

profile pic

boobs3

boobs kiss

And last, but CERTAINLY not least, this is the blonds main profile picture:

boobs pro pic

And here’s one more just for good measure:

boobs2

Those silly little taglines…

I’ve done posts on tag lines before… there are always weird ones and some of them never cease to amaze me with their quirkiness.

NAMES DARK CHILD AN IM LOOKN FOR MS DO RIGHT

Dark Child huh? Interesting that you’re looking for a “do right”

Please don’t be my next stalker

very interested

How many stalkers have you had?

Did somebody pee in the dating pool?

LOL… This one’s kind of funny.

PEEING IN THE POOL

My imaginary friend thinks I’m pretty cool…

You’re 29 years old and have an imaginary friend? Interesting.

My charm is so contagious, vaccines have been created for it

This makes you sound completely full of yourself.

Looking for a female. You can pretend I’m PRINCE WILLIAM

William

I don’t know that anyone can pretend to be Prince William, you aren’t a prince sir.

Smart as a horse hung like Enstine

I guess the fact that you spelled Einstein’s name wrong would explain this tag line.

-einstein-

looking for my tan legged juliet

huh? Must she have tan legs??

tan

Bottom line: Choose your tag line wisely.

Back in the good ol’ Midwest

As life sometimes does, it threw a wrench in my plans, and I find myself back in the Midwest. I was looking forward to the dating possibilities in Charleston, but after 2 unsuccessful dates and 1 cancelation, I wasn’t that heartbroken to move back and leave the Charleston online dating scene behind.

Midwest_Mock_Up_Green

I am pleased to find a new set of men in the online dating world in my age range. As I browsed through these men I began to see a common theme:

divorced

You know what they say, “One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure.” So I will never rule out someone for being divorced (unless it was because he was unfaithful) and although I’d like to be with someone without kids, I would never dismiss someone for that. I will however rule out weirdos who send me messages like these:

From: KS7020

Subject: Good Afternoon

Hi Lindsey,

How are you,may we talk and set up a time and place to meet for dinner so we can have a relaxing meal while we become friend’s.Alittle more about me:I’m a smart funny athletic loyal successful quick-witted levelheaded guy that is a wonderful cook keep’s a tidy house that know’s how to treat a lady.

so would you prefer to meet down on the Plaza or up @ Zona for our first date

PS:don’t mind my vague profile because I know once we talk and meet in person and become friend’s I know you’ll be happy we did.

Mark

bad-date-with-loser

10 days later…

From: KS7020

Subject: Hey Linds, lets talk on the phone tonight

so we can set up a time and place to meet for dinner so we can have a relaxing meal while we get to know one another.

What kind of creeper expects a woman to say “Sure! No problem” ??? He’s either a very aggressive guy or very desperate. Either way, it’s a turn off!

531679_f520

From: congo25

Subject: How was your day? I’m sun burnt and hanging out …

How was your day? I’m sun burnt and hanging out watching kitchen nightmares. I love Gordon Ramsey lol

This seems more like it would be a text from someone I’ve been talking to for a bit. Not a first e-mail to someone. And quite frankly, Gordon Ramsey gives me anxiety the way he yells at people…I don’t know that I would get along well with someone who “loves” him!

From: lookin4theright1

Subject: Never Wished

I was 6’0 so bad in my life :(

Any exceptions?

Maybe if you weren’t 45 years old!!!

oldManYoungWoman_thumb[3]

Also while browsing through “Who has viewed me” I came across a man that was 63 years old. 63!!! His sons, that he mentioned raising, are probably my age! So unless he’s wanting to set one of them up with me he should NOT be looking at a 29 year old’s profile!

Of course the e-mails haven’t all been bad but every time I get a weird one I can’t help but wonder: What the hell are you thinking?

The selfie

We all know how I feel about the shirtless picture…. it screams “I’m a tool!” Really any selfie photo where you look like an ass screams tool for me. Apparently I’m not the only one:

“You know you’re a douche bag when you’re taking a photo in the mirror in your towel”

-Rachel-Millionaire Match Maker-

Untitled3

ties

Mirror

Untitled1

selfie

Now here is a true Mirror Selfie:

car mirror

I also have to wonder when men take the mirror selfie & the flash blocks their face why they post it on their profile …. Clearly it is because they are a tool and just want to show off their body….

Untitledprofilepic

selfie face?

And then there is the “I’m going to just cover my face and post it anyway because my abs look good” guy:

face?

What We are looking for….

I clicked on this guys profile and started reading…. imagine my surprise when the first sentence in his about me section is: “I have a wonderful lady in my life.” Hum… ok is it his dog? I kept reading hoping I’d see something along the lines of “She is my beautiful dog.”

Portrait-of-a-man-and-his-dog

But no such luck …. here’s what I got:

“I have a wonderful lady in my life. If you think you can keep up with us read on…Also I have traveled to 450 different countries, founded 3 Fortune 500 companies and blah blah blah…Really, when was the last time anybody sent a message because of the substance of this paragraph.

I’m a man…and I know how to do stuff. I have a variety of interests which range from working with my hands  (fixing cars or building computers) to ballroom dancing. I know the importance of flowers “just because” and know how to treat a lady. I am the coolest person you have ever met…if you don’t believe me than just ask me…I wouldn’t lie to you.

I am in a great relationship with a wonderful lady that is built on common interests. I love the touch and feel of a woman…and so does she. I read an article recently that suggested that 52% of women have had sexual fantasies including another woman. I disagree. I think the number is much lower but still significant.

It has taken us a while to get to this point but we want to meet someone in this area who is fun to be around and open minded. We are not polyamorous and are not necessarily in an open relationship. I don’t want to replace her and she doesn’t want to replace me. We just want to meet people that we can hang out and have fun (possibly more) with. So go ahead…make that fantasy a reality. It doesn’t mean you are bisexual, or weird, or easy…it just means that you refuse to let someone else define who you are.

Despite what the previous paragraph may imply, we’re not looking to screw any willing stranger. We have our own personal standards and we’re just as happy making a new friend as we are finding a potential lover. ANYWAY- We hope you’ve enjoyed our little corner of the interweb. Now, if you realize that you can only tell so much from it, and you have some questions for us, shoot us a message and we’d be glad to respond with utter accuracy and bluntness.

Oh yeah, we are part of a super Secret Squirrel Society so our pictures in public forum are limited. Rest assured, we look normal and are height weight proportionate. I am tall and athletic and she is petite but curvy. We understand that physical attraction creates that initial spark and we do have pictures we can share privately. It’s just that we worked hard to get our SSS membership and wouldn’t want to get it revoked.”

WTF? Ok clearly these people are looking for a threesome and want some hot girl to join them. Isn’t that what the craigslist personals are for? And I love that guys are always willing to add another female to their relationship but I’m curious how on board this guy would be if another guy messaged them… I’m assuming not at all.

friends_dinner

Also, I did a little research on this “Secret Squirrel Society” and found that it is “a sports and social group whose focus is to join people through playing sports, socializing, meeting new people and giving back to the community.” (taken from their facebook page) Since it is “Secret” and they have to limit their pictures online, I’m assuming the group does a little more then play sports and build relationships. I’m curious as to why this couple didn’t just network through their super secret society….

Secret_Squirrel