I haven’t written a blog post in a few years… Every once in awhile I’ll get a wacko e-mail but this next guy has brought me out of retirement. I was throughly creeped out and had the heebie jeebies for hours after I read the last e-mail from him.
Subject: Hi there
I was lucky enough to have your profile delivered to my electronic doorstep tonight. And just in the nick of time! I’ve been getting more and more discouraged by the fact that out of sooooooo many choices here on Match, there just don’t seem to be many at all that interest me. You, however, do interest me. I could be completely off the mark here, but your profile suggests to me that you are a kind and humble and gentle person. But you’re also fun and have your shit together. I would describe myself the same way.
I’m not from around here. I’m a Jersey transplant living in Lawrence, KS. I moved here two years ago to take a job at KU – I’m a linguistics professor. I’m also vegan (not a pius/preachy one, though), into health and fitness, collecting records, experimental electronic (and non-electronic) music, traveling to exotic places, cooking, yadda yadda yadda. I also happen to think we might get along very well given who I know myself to be and who I imagine you to be. If you think so too, drop me a line and we’ll go from there. If not, have a great life and keep smiling (yours is a wonderful and disarming one)!
So, like normal, I visit his profile … even though his e-mail doesn’t really grab me. I decided not to e-mail him back and assumed with the “If not, have a great life” comment that would be the end of it. But of course some things are not that simple. 2 days later I received this:
Subject: Hi again
I just wanted to write you one more time to say that I hope you’re not put off by my diet or view on religion. I’m really open-minded, respectful of people’s differing beliefs, and above all things, nonjudgmental. So, if any of those things were red flags for you, I hope you won’t hold them against me.
Not to stroke your ego, but I wouldn’t be writing back if I weren’t really interested in you. You’re kind of a big fish in here… at least to me.
Hope to hear from you, but I’ll understand if I don’t.
Again, I’m not interested and I move on with my “great life” aka I did not e-mail him back. Well 2 weeks later I receive one more to put the cherry on top…
Subject: One last try
Ok, so I’ve written you twice now and gotten no response and yes, common sense dictates that you’re not interested and I shouldn’t bother trying anymore, but…
I’m really drawn to you. And you did say that you find ambition and drive incredibly attractive. :)
I search Match everyday. And each day, I make my searches a little less restrictive. The search radius expands. More profiles get clicked. The pool of matches grows from 50 to 150 to 350 women. You get the picture. But as the possibilities grow in a literal sense, the reality is that you are the only girl on here I find myself truly attracted to. There’s something in the way you tilt your head in a picture. There’s something in the width of your smile. There’s something in the glisten in your eyes that says to me you are a beautiful, humble and gentle person inside. I don’t know how else to describe it other than to say that I feel attracted to you from the inside out. “Attracted” might even be putting it mildly. It might be more accurate to say that I’m “flabbergasted” by you.
I hope you’re not creeped out or irritated by all my efforts to reach out to you. Just to play it safe and in the chance that you are, this will be the last time I write to you. I just wanted you to know how serious my interest is and how wonderful I think you seem.
A) You have never met me and are not allowed to build me up in your head the way you did.
B) The fact that you say “I hope you’re not creeped out” should be the biggest red flag not to send me this message.
and C) Thank God this guy does not know where I live!